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The Saga of Lowly Worm and Celestial Leader - A Satire

saga lowly worm celestial leader satire

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Captain_Underpants53 #1 Posted 19 July 2018 - 09:52 PM

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A figment of my imagination.  All the characters in this satire are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

 

A transcript of a meeting between the management teams of WG;

 

Lowly Worm (LW) A one man Latrine Queen Dept., "As all of you should know by now, I have been placed as the head of this goat rope.  What I say goes and I say we will right this ship!  Any IMPORTANT suggestions?"

 

Celestial Leader (CL)  Head of All Departments with over 6000 employees., "Well we need to establish priorities!  For instance, my pay has not been raised for over a week!"

 

LW, "Good point!  As a not inconsiderable part of restoring this game to profitability, I am cutting your pay in half."

 

CL, "But my mansion, my yacht, my............"

 

LW, "OK, the cut will be 60%!  Anything else of a trivial nature you want to bring up?"

 

CL, "No Sir, your boss ship, Sir!"

 

LW, "Anybody else with a suggestion?"

 

Head of Support (HS), "I could really use another couple hundred people in Support."

 

LW, "For Pete's sake, why?"

 

HS, "We are in second place in the Mario Cart Intramural Championships!  I need new talent!"

 

LW, "So that's what your band of frauds do with their day!  Fire anybody with over a 50% win rate immediately!"

 

HS, "But I have an 89% win rate!  What else will I do around here?

 

LW, "Get out and clean the latrine! And fire anybody with over a 25% win rate!  Anything to add?"

 

HS, "No Sir, your boss ship, Sir!"

 

LW, "This is just the beginning!  We will restore this game to profitability, we will restore fun, we will listen to and build back our player base, we will............."

 

BANG BANG BANG!  LW wakes up to find CL banging on the table and glaring at him.

 

LW starts crying, realizing it was all a beautiful and futile dream,

 

CL, "Why can't you stay awake in these meetings that concern us padding..........er, I mean adding to the staff to handle the workload!?"

 

LW, "I was up all night cleaning the latrine after your four hour lunch where you consumed 15 El Blasto Tacos!"

 

CL, "Shut up, ye dadburn fool! And go clean the latrine!  I had 16 El Bomba Burritos today!"

 

TO BE CONTINUED FOR AS LONG AS THEY LET ME

 

 

 


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Captain_Underpants53 #2 Posted 20 July 2018 - 04:23 AM

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Another meeting of management:

 

Peerless Leader (PL) overlord of all and bloated boss, "So, how is the new content coming?"

 

Clueless Development Head (CDH), "We roll out a new event in about four hours'"

 

PL, "Great!  Keep 'em coming."

 

Lowly Worm (LW), "What about working to fix bugs?"

 

CDH, "Why?  The players keep coming anyway."

 

LW, "But they soon get fed up and leave the game because of frustration!"

 

PL, "Are you meddling in matters that don't concern you again?  Don't forget you are in charge of the latrine.  We are low on toilet paper again!"

 

LW, "I worry about the long term viability of a game that sheds money like Madonna sheds clothes."

 

PL, "Madonna?  Boy you are stuck in the past."

 

LW, "Just one question, how many Devs are working on new content and how many are working on fixing the bugs?"

 

CDH, "We have 1067 working on new content.  We had 2 working to fix bugs but I think 1 quit yesterday.  Said he was tired.  Whiner!"

 

LW, "Wouldn't it be logical to shift some to fix the bugs and stop the hemorrhaging of money?"

 

PL, "There you go again!  Dag nab it!  You ain't head of the logic dept!  Go clean the latrine!"


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Ace_BOTlistic_Cosmo #3 Posted 21 July 2018 - 08:07 PM

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need more saga...

 


if the pilot's good, see, I mean, if he's really..sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low [he spreads his arms like wings and laughs],

you oughtta see it sometime, it's a sight. A big plane like a '52. VRROOM! There's jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the barnyard.


Perco_lator #4 Posted 21 July 2018 - 08:59 PM

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View PostAce_BOTlistic_Cosmo, on 21 July 2018 - 04:07 PM, said:

need more saga...

 

 


"Come find me in the game, tough guy.  We'll see who knows stuff."


Bubba_Zanetti #5 Posted 21 July 2018 - 09:36 PM

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View PostPerco_lator, on 21 July 2018 - 03:59 PM, said:

 

 

Damn you scooping me with this most excellent rebuttal!

 

although, more saga was asked for

 

All this classic canadiana 80’s music makes me feel

 

 


 

“The sad truth is that the one thing around here is that we can always rely on is broken promises”& WarMagic the Scattering- Ace_BOTlistic_Cosmo █ If a company can't handle the truth based on pixelated facts then they shouldn't be in this industry to begin with. Or stop overreaching at areas where they obviously lack the resources to make a sucess (WOWP)” - ArrowZ_  As it is, this “upgrade” is totally misdirected and completely ignores all player feedback over the past few years.  How this studio continues on with the parent company is a total mystery to me.” - Bobby_Tables  The only thing that will fix this game is for the developers to right click and hit send to trash. - xPALEHORSEx  They've been around a good while and seen a lot of flak so they surely must know what they're doing by now. - Catch21  All wargaming has done in all their games across the board have been stupid and greedy ideas. They are failing as a company so hard. - Veraxu  Maybe Persha should avoid patches with the number 5 in them... - mnbv-fockewulfe  You put the bombsite behind a lock until you get specialist for your bombers? That's just stupid. - comtedumas  claiming victory by fixing your own problems isn't victory, it's low brow chicanery.- TheMadPizzler  Flying games generally don't have broad appeal, and this one has issues and the company tends to pour gasoline those issues, not fix them - _Laserguided_   “I go to RU and (rhymes with git) all over dumb Slavs to express my rage.” - Rando CA  If you want to sell someone a car, you let them take it for a test drive, you don't run them over with it. - Blast_Radius1  My quote + Your signature + Please = Thank You- Prenzlau  Feelings aren't stats, now shut up and go eat tide pods” - Noreaga  “The player online count was removed October 2017 and we don't have plans to return this number to be displayed. That is the decision of the developers team.”- blindfold  After a While it Becomes Tiresome (07.06.15)” - MALICE_AT_BIRTH  “Yes, we can have a place to report all the bugs and then watch as they all get ignored for 6 months” - Gang_Starr █ SonicPariah and blindfold might be listening to us, and sending our ideas along, but Persha sure isn't getting the message.” - CorvusCorvax  They just go on inventing new not-asked-for stuff before fixing what people clearly don't like ...”- GonerNL █ There is a difference between arcade and this roll your face on the keyboard simulator” - Fog_Heavy_Cruiser_Chokai  “The real question of the day: Is there room for one more quote in Bubba‘s signature? I certainly hope so.”- MelBrooks  They had to make some space for your signature” - Marsco


Perco_lator #6 Posted 21 July 2018 - 10:58 PM

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View PostBubba_Zanetti, on 21 July 2018 - 05:36 PM, said:

 

All this classic canadiana 80’s music makes me feel

 

Bubba getting all nostalgic

 

 

 


"Come find me in the game, tough guy.  We'll see who knows stuff."


Bubba_Zanetti #7 Posted 22 July 2018 - 01:12 AM

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View PostPerco_lator, on 21 July 2018 - 05:58 PM, said:

 

Bubba getting all nostalgic

 

 

 

 

I swear I posted this vid not that long ago...another thread that just disappeared.

 

This ones quasi appropriate for this forum (Anyone else think part of the intro is from astrosmash on the intellivision?):

 

 

 

 


 

“The sad truth is that the one thing around here is that we can always rely on is broken promises”& WarMagic the Scattering- Ace_BOTlistic_Cosmo █ If a company can't handle the truth based on pixelated facts then they shouldn't be in this industry to begin with. Or stop overreaching at areas where they obviously lack the resources to make a sucess (WOWP)” - ArrowZ_  As it is, this “upgrade” is totally misdirected and completely ignores all player feedback over the past few years.  How this studio continues on with the parent company is a total mystery to me.” - Bobby_Tables  The only thing that will fix this game is for the developers to right click and hit send to trash. - xPALEHORSEx  They've been around a good while and seen a lot of flak so they surely must know what they're doing by now. - Catch21  All wargaming has done in all their games across the board have been stupid and greedy ideas. They are failing as a company so hard. - Veraxu  Maybe Persha should avoid patches with the number 5 in them... - mnbv-fockewulfe  You put the bombsite behind a lock until you get specialist for your bombers? That's just stupid. - comtedumas  claiming victory by fixing your own problems isn't victory, it's low brow chicanery.- TheMadPizzler  Flying games generally don't have broad appeal, and this one has issues and the company tends to pour gasoline those issues, not fix them - _Laserguided_   “I go to RU and (rhymes with git) all over dumb Slavs to express my rage.” - Rando CA  If you want to sell someone a car, you let them take it for a test drive, you don't run them over with it. - Blast_Radius1  My quote + Your signature + Please = Thank You- Prenzlau  Feelings aren't stats, now shut up and go eat tide pods” - Noreaga  “The player online count was removed October 2017 and we don't have plans to return this number to be displayed. That is the decision of the developers team.”- blindfold  After a While it Becomes Tiresome (07.06.15)” - MALICE_AT_BIRTH  “Yes, we can have a place to report all the bugs and then watch as they all get ignored for 6 months” - Gang_Starr █ SonicPariah and blindfold might be listening to us, and sending our ideas along, but Persha sure isn't getting the message.” - CorvusCorvax  They just go on inventing new not-asked-for stuff before fixing what people clearly don't like ...”- GonerNL █ There is a difference between arcade and this roll your face on the keyboard simulator” - Fog_Heavy_Cruiser_Chokai  “The real question of the day: Is there room for one more quote in Bubba‘s signature? I certainly hope so.”- MelBrooks  They had to make some space for your signature” - Marsco


Captain_Underpants53 #8 Posted 22 July 2018 - 01:31 AM

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Well, I ain't sure what this music has to do with satire.  Chalk it up to me being older than dirt.  I really liked the Triumph video/music though.
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Perco_lator #9 Posted 22 July 2018 - 03:21 AM

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View PostCaptain_Underpants53, on 21 July 2018 - 09:31 PM, said:

Well, I ain't sure what this music has to do with satire.  Chalk it up to me being older than dirt.  I really liked the Triumph video/music though.

 

Well you see Ace said that we need more saga so I posted a video of a Canadian band called SAGA & then Bubba got all nostalgic so your thread was hijacked & is now a Canadian bands from the 80's thread.

Ace is really the one to blame, now that I think about it he planned the whole thing from the start.

"Come find me in the game, tough guy.  We'll see who knows stuff."


Captain_Underpants53 #10 Posted 22 July 2018 - 09:20 AM

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LOL, now I see!

 

WG Management Committee Meeting

 

 

Exalted Leader (EL) Head of All 52 Depts and 10,987 employees, "Let's get this meeting going.  I have a hot date with some Explosive Enchiladas.  Serious subjects only.

 

Lowly Worm (LW) Head of Latrine Queen (just him alone), "GROAN"

 

EL, "What's that?  You constipated?  I highly recommend lunch at Tex's Ptomaine Parlor.  Fix you right up!"

 

LW, "So I've noticed.  Can we discuss some of the bugs in the game?"

 

EL, "I said serious subjects!"

 

LW, "But the players think that these bugs are serious subjects."

 

EL, "Bunch of whining babies!  But OK, just for a minute."

 

LW, "Well one I hear a lot about is the LEAVE QUEUE bug.  A lot of times when you push that button, you think you have returned to the hangar but it turns out you pilot less plane has gone into battle without you.  An almost certain loss.  You can actually launch your plane into another battle."

 

EL, "That's not a bug, you dunce!  That's our FOGO feature."

 

LW, "FOGO?"

 

EL, "Fly One, Get One free!  They should be thanking us for that one!"

 

LW, "But, but............."

 

EL, "STOP!  Butt me no butts!  Who's Head of the Butt Dept, anyway?"

 

Four Fingers (FF) in charge of the Counting Heads Dept with 112 employees, "He's out with the Flu.  Seemed fine yesterday when we had lunch together at Tex's.  But it came on fast, I guess."

 

EL, "Well that's enough.  Once more LW you have blown a meeting with your trivial [edited].  I'm off to lunch.  Should be back in several hours.  In the meantime, LW, make sure the latrine has plenty of toilet paper!  Can you handle that?"

 

LW, "Yes Your Immenseness.  (sigh)

 

 


Edited by Captain_Underpants53, 22 July 2018 - 09:39 AM.

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